1. Well, we’re not laughing yet but I’m holding space for it
There I was casually strolling in the gate, still in my yoga bubble, when I met the fabulous T who so far has welcomed me later than expected having missed the flight from NY to LA, saved me from being locked in AND locked out of the property and started leaving me maps with arrows over the east/west instructions when I returned three hours later from a Whole Foods visit after taking a ‘short cut’.
(It’s not even her Airbnb, it belongs to her friend and she’s dog-sitting. And kind of me-sitting. Bet she’s glad she took this on!)
T says, feel free to take your time this morning. There’s no rush and I’m happy to help with your bags.
Oh, says I loftily, thanks but I’m not leaving till tomorrow morning.
T says, I’m sure my instructions said you sign out today.
Oh, says I in a highly pitched falsetto, crap, fuck a duck, fuckity fuck fuck. FUUUUUUUUUUCK!
So it seems as we were speaking, me bent over double in financial agony, my flight to Honolulu was flying above our heads. I have missed three, count ’em, three flights on this trip. (On a positive note I did catch three which is exactly 50% which is really a pass. Should anyone be counting.)
Of course I then did what anyone would do in this situation. I panicked. I immediately started packing, showering, calling my husband, calling the airline, calling my travel agent – all at 6am Sunday morning New Zealand time. That went down well on all fronts.
Add into the equation the fact that my flights home were Business Class, a beautiful part of the surprise my husband had organised, and you’ll understand why my right eye is twitching furiously again.
As it turns out I now fly out early Tuesday morning (let me reiterate that in case you’re the only person in the vicinity of my phone call who didn’t get it. IT’S A VERY EARLY FLIGHT. DO NOT, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, MISS THIS FLIGHT. DO. NOT. MISS. THIS. FLIGHT.) and will arrive home late Wednesday, New Zealand time.
And therein lies the problem (apart from me, I recognise myself as a very large problem, don’t worry about that) but, BUT, if I could take just a moment to make some completely relevant points I’m sure you’ll see how easy it is to miss three flights in a row. Firstly, my phone hasn’t been receiving emails or syncing with my laptop so I’ve missed any reminders AND all my days are out. That’s confusing for anyone. Einstein would be confused. He would!
Also, everyone kept leaving me messages saying see you on Sunday and I, at some stage, morphed that into me leaving on Sunday. It is obvious, isn’t it, when you see it laid out like this? Yes.
I feel like we’re all on the same page now. You’re right, it really could happen to anyone.
2. Are you supposed to get your innards massaged?
I had a massage from a guy highly recommended on Yelp. Yup.
I don’t get regular massages and this was a real treat. And it did feel good afterwards but there were some instances during that made me uncomfortable. Yet each time I went to say something he had moved on.
He kept lifting my legs and circling them round and sort of pushing on my stomach area very close to my front bottom*. I honestly don’t know if that’s normal but it felt weird. And then there was all this mouth breathing in my face which is not really my thing at any time, let alone when I’m lying face up mostly unclothed.
I started thinking maybe massage isn’t my thing if all I’m wanting is for him to get his hands off me. Except I know that’s not really true. He made me uncomfortable and I should’ve stopped it immediately.
Sometimes those lessons we think we know get relearned. Even at fifty.
*I can’t believe I just wrote ‘front bottom’. And sniggered. At fifty.
3. Ben Affleck
Ben Affleck was seen today by The Yoga Connection.
The Yoga Connection found him to be quite sweaty and unsmiling.
The Yoga Connection also thought his head was super large.
The Yoga Connection is not responsible or liable for anything. Which should be blatantly obvious since The Yoga Connection has missed all her flights home.
Let’s stay friends. Please tell me you’ve missed flights too. Or make it up, that works for me.
Have you ever had an uncomfortable massage? What did you do about it?
Any thoughts on Ben Affleck? Ask me anything, I was this close.
Photo by Zavate Maria
© The Yoga Connection 2017